For the Advent season (the weeks leading up to Christmas) my church publishes a devotional guide with daily Scripture readings and reflection questions to meditate upon and prepare for Christmas. Since Jayson and I were going on vacation during Advent, I printed out the readings figuirng it would be a great way for us to reflect upon Christmas while we traveled, especially since it would be our first as a married couple.
However, as soon as I printed them out, I found myself wrestling internally with the (very opinionated) voices I grew up hearing regarding "spiritual leadership." This is an idea that comes from Paul's instructions for Christian households in Ephesians 5:21-23, which has somehow evolved in American Christianese to mean: "the husband leads the family in Bible study and takes all initiative regarding spiritual matters at home." (More on my previous post "So how does he lead you spiritually?" and here)
I wholeheartedly agree that studying the Word as a family is a wonderful way to grow closer to God together. However, the part about the husband taking all initiative regarding spiritual matters left me very confused as to what I could and could not do as a "proper" Christian wife. This confusion boiled into an internal dialogue about the Advent readings that went something like this:
"Wait, is it ok for me to suggest that we read the Advent reflections together?"
"No. He's supposed to the one leading this family spiritually. You can't take the initiative to suggest reading Scripture together. That would be leading."
"But it would be a great opportunity for us to prepare for Christmas together."
"You'd just be robbing him of an opportunity to lead you."
"But how is he supposed to know I want to read this together?"
"Then pray he'll bring it up!"
I wish I were making this up, but this was what actually went on in my head. Even now, I'm embarrassed to type it all out because it sounds so ridiculous (and illogical. My inner engineer is cringing).
Ridiculous or not, the struggle was very real...as was the guilt. In the end, the guilt won and left me silently trapped in my head, longing for freedom: freedom to run after God, to be strong and passionate and opinionated, to be ME -- without wondering every 5 seconds, "Is this ok? Do I have to be different?"
I wish I had answers, or a nice tidy formula, but I suppose mess and struggle are all part of figuring out how to practice my faith.What issues have you wrestled with in the process of practicing yours?
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PS - This was a helpful article in broadening what constitutes "spiritual leadership" http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2013/06/reader-question-husband-spiritual-leader/
Monday, January 4, 2016
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
How does this marriage thing work?
Over the last few weeks, I've been using a prayer guide written for married couples that gives sample prayers for specific areas in your spouse's life (work, friendships, faith, etc). Overall, I've really enjoyed it, although last night I came across a prayer that raised a lot of questions about how my husband and I should make decisions -- specifically, on money.
Last night's prayer was "your husband's finances", and included prayer that he'll grow in generosity, in his trust in the Lord's provision, and in responsibility in stewarding his money. I took a quick peak at the "praying for your wife" section to see if there was a corresponding prayer for wives and her finances. To my disappointment, there wasn't.
Yes, historically men have been the primary (or sole) earners in a family, but does that give them all the responsibility and decision making power over the family resources? Right now, Jayson and I both work and we make decisions together about our money, but what would happen if one day I chose to stop working? Would that mean I would (or should) no longer have any say about how we steward our finances?
Maybe some couples agree that one of them will make all the financial decisions. Perhaps others will even make the case that the husband should make all the financial decisions. I don't necessarily agree, and I also don't think that the author of this prayer guide is trying to say that wives are exempt from growing more generous, trusting, and financially responsible. Even so, lack of a "prayer for your wife's finances" is one more subtle message adding to my growing confusion as I begin this lifelong journey of answering the questions - What does it mean to be a Jesus-loving wife in the 21st century? How should my husband and I handle __________?
To my married friends: What issues have raised these questions for you? How has your faith shaped the way you answer them (or perhaps, raised more questions?)
Last night's prayer was "your husband's finances", and included prayer that he'll grow in generosity, in his trust in the Lord's provision, and in responsibility in stewarding his money. I took a quick peak at the "praying for your wife" section to see if there was a corresponding prayer for wives and her finances. To my disappointment, there wasn't.
Yes, historically men have been the primary (or sole) earners in a family, but does that give them all the responsibility and decision making power over the family resources? Right now, Jayson and I both work and we make decisions together about our money, but what would happen if one day I chose to stop working? Would that mean I would (or should) no longer have any say about how we steward our finances?
Maybe some couples agree that one of them will make all the financial decisions. Perhaps others will even make the case that the husband should make all the financial decisions. I don't necessarily agree, and I also don't think that the author of this prayer guide is trying to say that wives are exempt from growing more generous, trusting, and financially responsible. Even so, lack of a "prayer for your wife's finances" is one more subtle message adding to my growing confusion as I begin this lifelong journey of answering the questions - What does it mean to be a Jesus-loving wife in the 21st century? How should my husband and I handle __________?
To my married friends: What issues have raised these questions for you? How has your faith shaped the way you answer them (or perhaps, raised more questions?)
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Parametric Equations and Spiritual Conversations: Knowing your audience
Our office is in midtown east, so in order to get to my staff meetings every week, I have the privilege of crossing through Grand Central Terminal. It's a glorious train station, and truly a magnificent work of restoration from its decades of dilapidation.
During rush hour, this place is packed, and crossing from one end of the terminal to another without colliding into anyone is no small feat. You have to constantly be aware of who's coming at you, at what direction, and with what speed. What adjustments do you have to make to cross safely? Unconsciously, our brains are making instantaneous calculations to answer all these questions - in the forms of parametric equations - to navigate us through the crowd.
Without pulling out actual math, parametric equations are useful tools to describe multiple moving bodies coming at different directions and velocities. If the man in the power suit and I continue at our current trajectories, will we cross paths? If so, where and when will that happen? Since collisions only happen if we cross paths at the same time and place, sometimes I'll speed up to reach the crossing point before tourist family does. Other times I'll veer a bit left so the woman walking perpendicular to me will cross in front of me.
As I was thinking about how my morning commute is spent avoiding running into people, I realized that in a way, my job is largely about doing the opposite calculations - how do I meet people where they are in their spiritual journeys? It would be foolish to walk through Grand Central at rush hour on autopilot, with no regard to where people are going.
In the same way, I don't think it would be the wisest course of action to spout out a memorized spiel about Jesus when I meet students on campus. Where are they coming from? What's important to them? When I talk to them, do the vocabulary and references I use simply fly over their heads because they have no context for what I'm saying? Is the God I share about big enough to encompass the problems they face and satisfy their deepest longings? Or does the way I present him relegate him to the "irrelevant" box? Granted, people's interest in God is not dependent on me, but I desire that my conversations with them about God help them see who God is more clearly, not confuse them more or confirm that Christians are wackos or that God doesn't care about them.
The vast majority of students I initiate spiritual conversations with aren't ready to make a commitment to follow Jesus. That's totally fine - it's simply where they are in their journey. Yet as surely as Grand Central is packed at rush hour, I am confident that if God wants someone to enter a relationship with him, he will send many others to cross paths with them after me.
During rush hour, this place is packed, and crossing from one end of the terminal to another without colliding into anyone is no small feat. You have to constantly be aware of who's coming at you, at what direction, and with what speed. What adjustments do you have to make to cross safely? Unconsciously, our brains are making instantaneous calculations to answer all these questions - in the forms of parametric equations - to navigate us through the crowd.
Without pulling out actual math, parametric equations are useful tools to describe multiple moving bodies coming at different directions and velocities. If the man in the power suit and I continue at our current trajectories, will we cross paths? If so, where and when will that happen? Since collisions only happen if we cross paths at the same time and place, sometimes I'll speed up to reach the crossing point before tourist family does. Other times I'll veer a bit left so the woman walking perpendicular to me will cross in front of me.
As I was thinking about how my morning commute is spent avoiding running into people, I realized that in a way, my job is largely about doing the opposite calculations - how do I meet people where they are in their spiritual journeys? It would be foolish to walk through Grand Central at rush hour on autopilot, with no regard to where people are going.
In the same way, I don't think it would be the wisest course of action to spout out a memorized spiel about Jesus when I meet students on campus. Where are they coming from? What's important to them? When I talk to them, do the vocabulary and references I use simply fly over their heads because they have no context for what I'm saying? Is the God I share about big enough to encompass the problems they face and satisfy their deepest longings? Or does the way I present him relegate him to the "irrelevant" box? Granted, people's interest in God is not dependent on me, but I desire that my conversations with them about God help them see who God is more clearly, not confuse them more or confirm that Christians are wackos or that God doesn't care about them.
The vast majority of students I initiate spiritual conversations with aren't ready to make a commitment to follow Jesus. That's totally fine - it's simply where they are in their journey. Yet as surely as Grand Central is packed at rush hour, I am confident that if God wants someone to enter a relationship with him, he will send many others to cross paths with them after me.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Lenten Gratitude - Week 3
Saturday 3/22 - I am thankful for blue skies and the chance to catch up with a friend I haven't seen in a while.
Friday 3/21 - I am thankful for my friend Lillian for introducing me to the bullet journal technique! I'm so thankful for how much more organized (and therefore saner!) I feel with this technique.
Thursday 3/20 - I am thankful for the opportunity to see my friend Elizabeth perform - I love seeing my friends in their element, doing what they do best.
Wednesday 3/19 - I am thankful for the wisdom of mentors through challenging decisions
Tuesday 3/18 - I am thankful for the hospitality of a friend's mom and her delicious homemade dinner
Monday 3/17 - I thankful for a breakthrough in ballet - I can pirouette left now! (For some reason, I could only turn right before and had a massive mental block against turning left)
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Simple pleasures
Sunday 3/16
Today I am thankful for...
- Ballet class this morning to stretch and decompress
- Delicious spicy pork belly at dinner
- Police that keep us safe (uptown 1, 2, and 3 trains were all slowed or held in stations because of a police investigation at 79th street).
Saturday 3/15
Today I am thankful for
- A friend to practice Korean with
- Sunshine!!!!! 50F weather in Central Park
- Getting to walk hand-in-hand with Jayson through the park
Friday 3/14
Today I am thankful for a job that allows me to work from home, especially when I need time to be alone
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Lenten Gratitude - The Beginnings
Over the last few months, I started noticing that I've been complaining a lot, and that I have not been very appreciative of what I do have. So when Ash Wednesday came around last week, marking the beginning of a season of reflection and preparation for Easter, I decided to give up complaining for Lent and find something to be thankful for each day.
So far, I am not doing well...I complain a lot! But I'm going to attempt to log this season of practicing gratitude.
Some backtracking
Wednesday 3/5
It was so cold I wanted to curse. It took a ridiculous amount of effort to hold my tongue and instead choose to be thankful that I have warm clothes and shelter from the wind. Oh, and Jayson and I also won lottery tickets to the Newsies! I'm thankful for a night to spend time together and to enjoy the show :)
Thursday 3/6
I am thankful for the humility and teachability of my student leader.
Friday 3/7
I was complaining a lot about the difficulty of scheduling a meeting, but I'm thankful that a time finally opened up in both our schedules and that I got to catch up with this young lady.
Saturday 3/8
Our metro-wide Epic Family Time started out with an A/V hiccup when we discovered that the laptop we were using didn't have a VGA cable. I felt really frazzled, but I'm thankful for the team of students that worked hard to put Family Time together and lead us through meaningful discussion. I'm also thankful for the opportunity to hang out with students over delicious food at The Cutting Board!
Sunday 3/9
I'm thankful for an opportunity to get to know the ladies who came from Epic in Texas to spend Spring Break ministering in NYC :) I'm also thankful for the Met for having suggested admission and being a place where I can spend some much-needed alone time.
Monday 3/10
I'm thankful for how ballet challenges me and keeps me sane.
Tuesday 3/11
I'm thankful for the first jacket-less day in what feels like forever! I'm grateful for new friends at City College and the opportunity to enjoy lunch with them outside.
Wednesday 3/12
I'm thankful to have a roommate who prays for me
Thursday 3/13
I found myself complaining about a monthly meeting that I don't particularly enjoy going to, but I am thankful for the people who lead this meeting and their desire for our teams to be healthy.
So far, I am not doing well...I complain a lot! But I'm going to attempt to log this season of practicing gratitude.
Some backtracking
Wednesday 3/5
It was so cold I wanted to curse. It took a ridiculous amount of effort to hold my tongue and instead choose to be thankful that I have warm clothes and shelter from the wind. Oh, and Jayson and I also won lottery tickets to the Newsies! I'm thankful for a night to spend time together and to enjoy the show :)
Thursday 3/6
I am thankful for the humility and teachability of my student leader.
Friday 3/7
I was complaining a lot about the difficulty of scheduling a meeting, but I'm thankful that a time finally opened up in both our schedules and that I got to catch up with this young lady.
Saturday 3/8
Our metro-wide Epic Family Time started out with an A/V hiccup when we discovered that the laptop we were using didn't have a VGA cable. I felt really frazzled, but I'm thankful for the team of students that worked hard to put Family Time together and lead us through meaningful discussion. I'm also thankful for the opportunity to hang out with students over delicious food at The Cutting Board!
Sunday 3/9
I'm thankful for an opportunity to get to know the ladies who came from Epic in Texas to spend Spring Break ministering in NYC :) I'm also thankful for the Met for having suggested admission and being a place where I can spend some much-needed alone time.
Monday 3/10
I'm thankful for how ballet challenges me and keeps me sane.
Tuesday 3/11
I'm thankful for the first jacket-less day in what feels like forever! I'm grateful for new friends at City College and the opportunity to enjoy lunch with them outside.
Wednesday 3/12
I'm thankful to have a roommate who prays for me
Thursday 3/13
I found myself complaining about a monthly meeting that I don't particularly enjoy going to, but I am thankful for the people who lead this meeting and their desire for our teams to be healthy.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Learning Grief
My blog title is A Journey with Jess, and this part of the journey is definitely one of the lower points along the way. My grandfather passed away last week, and his will be my first family funeral as an adult.
I suppose this is the part of the journey where I learn what grief is and what it's like to experience that. I don't pretend to be an expert; nor do I claim that what I'm experiencing is how everyone else experiences grief. I simply wanted to let you in on what the last week has been like and what I've observed so far:
I suppose this is the part of the journey where I learn what grief is and what it's like to experience that. I don't pretend to be an expert; nor do I claim that what I'm experiencing is how everyone else experiences grief. I simply wanted to let you in on what the last week has been like and what I've observed so far:
- Grief is like an emotional minefield. Some days, I feel fine until someone says a trigger word or asks the right question and then I get slammed with emotions.
- Grief messes with me in a bunch of little ways. Mostly, I find myself in an apathetic haze where I don't want to do anything. There are days when I wake up and can't remember the last time I showered, or I make dinner (a dish I've made a zillion times) and forget to add a key ingredient.
- The physical presence of my friends has been a lot more meaningful to me than anything they've said. There was a day when I needed to be with people, but didn't want to talk. I didn't have the emotional energy to interact or to hold a conversation, but I couldn't bear the thought of being alone. I asked some friends if I could sit on their couch and watch TV/read and told them that they didn't need to host/entertain me - just let me be in the same room with them. They happily obliged, and I'm so grateful for their hospitality.
- It is really hard for me to pray right now, but I know that if I'm not leaning on God, I have nothing else to turn to. Last week, when I got the news, I was taking a seminary class, and our professor showed us Psalm 81:10 "I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it." All I can muster right now as far as prayer goes is, "God, I am here. I am opening my mouth wide, and I need you to fill it."
Have you ever experienced grief? If so, what was it like for you?
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