Disclaimer: The content of this entry is entirely my own opinion and does not represent the views of Epic/Cru.
I work with college students, and when I talk to my female students, relationships always come up. Invariably, when they ask me about mine, some young women will immediately ask, "So how does your boyfriend lead you spiritually?"
Confession: whenever I hear the term "leading spiritually" or "spiritual leader" used in this context, I get pretty annoyed (not at my students - I love it when they ask questions). What on earth does "leading spiritually" mean anyway? How did it get to become so prevalent in Christian dating culture? And where in the Bible does it say that a boyfriend needs to be one? (Seriously, if you have an answer to the Bible reference part, please do list it in the comments - I want to know!)
I don't pretend to be the expert here or to have all the answers, but with my 2.5-year relationship experience, the wisdom of married Christian friends, and my walk with the Holy Spirit, here are some conclusions that I've arrived at:
"Spiritual leadership" is NOT
- Unique to romantic relationships. If you disciple men/women, then you lead them spiritually, yes? Or if you talk to nonreligious friends about spiritual things, isn't that also guiding them in spiritual things? If so, then why does it become such a huge deal in a romantic relationship? And if women discipling women is a form of spiritual leadership, then how did it get to be defined as something only men do in a relationship?
- Listed in the Ephesians 5 passage about how wives and husbands should interact (well, not in those exact words anyway). Actually, I don't know that the phrase "spiritual leadership" appears in the Bible. I'm not saying that the concept isn't biblical, I'm just saying that the terminology isn't. So if the phrase isn't explicitly defined in the Bible, where is it being defined?
- Equivalent to (as it is commonly interpreted) "The boyfriend/husband leads the girlfriend/wife in a Bible study." I am all for couples reading the Bible together, but if this is the definition of spiritual leadership, then it is far too narrow. What happens in places where Bibles are illegal? Or not produced in the couple's language? Or where the couple is illiterate? What did the first 1600 years of Christian couples do before the printing press made the Bible widely available?
- About the head or about transferring knowledge. There are people who hold seminary degrees who aren't practicing Christians. They can be experts in doctrine, but would that make them spiritual leaders? Yes, we all need to be reminded of truth about God, but what we ultimately need is truth that changes the heart. If we operate under the common interpretation that the man should be the woman's spiritual leader, what happens for couples where the woman is more theologically educated than the man?
- Saying that the man is responsible for the woman's spiritual well-being. She is still responsible for her own personal relationship with God. If the man is supposed to be the woman's "spiritual leader," then is a woman then not allowed to encourage her men in his relationship with God? Must she only be at best, a student who's less spiritually mature, or at worse, a hindrance to his faith? That's ridiculous. God-centered relationships need two people who love Jesus, who love and serve one another, and who and point each others' hearts back to Jesus.
Sisters, you are God's beautiful ezer kenegdos. You were meant to be a team with your significant other, not just to await orders. You have precious gifts to bring to the table of your relationship, and you have strengths that he needs, just as he has strengths you need. Before you turn down a prospective date because you're not sure "if he's a spiritual leader," will you first ask, "Can we sharpen one another 'as iron sharpens iron'?"
Brothers, you don't need to have it all together before you ask a woman on a date. You are also not responsible for making sure she gets it all together spiritually. As my boyfriend would like to remind you, you are not her teacher or her savior - Jesus is. Your job is to love Jesus and to give her room to pursue God within your relationship. Reading the Bible or a Christian book together might be one avenue that you guys choose to pursue God as a couple, but it's not the only way. Your personal relationship with Jesus is different from the next guy's, so why would your joint pursuit of Christ need to look like every other couple's?
So coming back to the original question - how does Jayson lead me spiritually? I don't know what exactly you mean by that, but I know do know this: He demonstrates the gospel to me, showing me that I am loved and accepted. He reminds me of God's truth and promises. He prays for me. He challenges me in my relationship with God. He shows me that I am worth sacrificing for -- and I do the same for him.
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For further reading: "'He's Just Not a Spiritual Leader', and Other Christian Dating Myths," by Marlena Graves
