For the Advent season (the weeks leading up to Christmas) my church publishes a devotional guide with daily Scripture readings and reflection questions to meditate upon and prepare for Christmas. Since Jayson and I were going on vacation during Advent, I printed out the readings figuirng it would be a great way for us to reflect upon Christmas while we traveled, especially since it would be our first as a married couple.
However, as soon as I printed them out, I found myself wrestling internally with the (very opinionated) voices I grew up hearing regarding "spiritual leadership." This is an idea that comes from Paul's instructions for Christian households in Ephesians 5:21-23, which has somehow evolved in American Christianese to mean: "the husband leads the family in Bible study and takes all initiative regarding spiritual matters at home." (More on my previous post "So how does he lead you spiritually?" and here)
I wholeheartedly agree that studying the Word as a family is a wonderful way to grow closer to God together. However, the part about the husband taking all initiative regarding spiritual matters left me very confused as to what I could and could not do as a "proper" Christian wife. This confusion boiled into an internal dialogue about the Advent readings that went something like this:
"Wait, is it ok for me to suggest that we read the Advent reflections together?"
"No. He's supposed to the one leading this family spiritually. You can't take the initiative to suggest reading Scripture together. That would be leading."
"But it would be a great opportunity for us to prepare for Christmas together."
"You'd just be robbing him of an opportunity to lead you."
"But how is he supposed to know I want to read this together?"
"Then pray he'll bring it up!"
I wish I were making this up, but this was what actually went on in my head. Even now, I'm embarrassed to type it all out because it sounds so ridiculous (and illogical. My inner engineer is cringing).
Ridiculous or not, the struggle was very real...as was the guilt. In the end, the guilt won and left me silently trapped in my head, longing for freedom: freedom to run after God, to be strong and passionate and opinionated, to be ME -- without wondering every 5 seconds, "Is this ok? Do I have to be different?"
I wish I had answers, or a nice tidy formula, but I suppose mess and struggle are all part of figuring out how to practice my faith.What issues have you wrestled with in the process of practicing yours?
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PS - This was a helpful article in broadening what constitutes "spiritual leadership" http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2013/06/reader-question-husband-spiritual-leader/
