God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.[c]
Psalm 46:1-3
One thing that really stood out for me this time was the beginning of verse 2: "Therefore we will not fear..." It doesn't say "Therefore we will not be afraid." Fear here is a verb, and the declaration "we will not" indicates a choice to act. It is not a decision not to feel a certain way, but a decision not to give weight to anyone other than God, even though chaos is whirling.
As a (recovering) perfectionist, I struggle a lot with the fear of failure. When I fear failure, it drives drives me. It defines what is important and reorders my life so that I will do everything I can do avoid disappointing people or to make sure an event turns out just right. It drives me to lecture myself when things go wrong ("I can't believe you just did that. You should've _____________"), it gives freedom to the tape in my head to run amok, and it pushes me into shame.
But I have a choice. I can choose not to allow failure to take control of my thoughts, my words, and my actions - because it does not deserve that kind of weight, and because God is my fortress.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
"So how does he lead you spiritually?" -- a soapbox
Questioning Christian dating culture's fixation on "spiritual leadership"
Disclaimer: The content of this entry is entirely my own opinion and does not represent the views of Epic/Cru.
I work with college students, and when I talk to my female students, relationships always come up. Invariably, when they ask me about mine, some young women will immediately ask, "So how does your boyfriend lead you spiritually?"
Confession: whenever I hear the term "leading spiritually" or "spiritual leader" used in this context, I get pretty annoyed (not at my students - I love it when they ask questions). What on earth does "leading spiritually" mean anyway? How did it get to become so prevalent in Christian dating culture? And where in the Bible does it say that a boyfriend needs to be one? (Seriously, if you have an answer to the Bible reference part, please do list it in the comments - I want to know!)
I don't pretend to be the expert here or to have all the answers, but with my 2.5-year relationship experience, the wisdom of married Christian friends, and my walk with the Holy Spirit, here are some conclusions that I've arrived at:
"Spiritual leadership" is NOT
So coming back to the original question - how does Jayson lead me spiritually? I don't know what exactly you mean by that, but I know do know this: He demonstrates the gospel to me, showing me that I am loved and accepted. He reminds me of God's truth and promises. He prays for me. He challenges me in my relationship with God. He shows me that I am worth sacrificing for -- and I do the same for him.
------------------------------------------
For further reading: "'He's Just Not a Spiritual Leader', and Other Christian Dating Myths," by Marlena Graves
Disclaimer: The content of this entry is entirely my own opinion and does not represent the views of Epic/Cru.
I work with college students, and when I talk to my female students, relationships always come up. Invariably, when they ask me about mine, some young women will immediately ask, "So how does your boyfriend lead you spiritually?"
Confession: whenever I hear the term "leading spiritually" or "spiritual leader" used in this context, I get pretty annoyed (not at my students - I love it when they ask questions). What on earth does "leading spiritually" mean anyway? How did it get to become so prevalent in Christian dating culture? And where in the Bible does it say that a boyfriend needs to be one? (Seriously, if you have an answer to the Bible reference part, please do list it in the comments - I want to know!)
I don't pretend to be the expert here or to have all the answers, but with my 2.5-year relationship experience, the wisdom of married Christian friends, and my walk with the Holy Spirit, here are some conclusions that I've arrived at:
"Spiritual leadership" is NOT
- Unique to romantic relationships. If you disciple men/women, then you lead them spiritually, yes? Or if you talk to nonreligious friends about spiritual things, isn't that also guiding them in spiritual things? If so, then why does it become such a huge deal in a romantic relationship? And if women discipling women is a form of spiritual leadership, then how did it get to be defined as something only men do in a relationship?
- Listed in the Ephesians 5 passage about how wives and husbands should interact (well, not in those exact words anyway). Actually, I don't know that the phrase "spiritual leadership" appears in the Bible. I'm not saying that the concept isn't biblical, I'm just saying that the terminology isn't. So if the phrase isn't explicitly defined in the Bible, where is it being defined?
- Equivalent to (as it is commonly interpreted) "The boyfriend/husband leads the girlfriend/wife in a Bible study." I am all for couples reading the Bible together, but if this is the definition of spiritual leadership, then it is far too narrow. What happens in places where Bibles are illegal? Or not produced in the couple's language? Or where the couple is illiterate? What did the first 1600 years of Christian couples do before the printing press made the Bible widely available?
- About the head or about transferring knowledge. There are people who hold seminary degrees who aren't practicing Christians. They can be experts in doctrine, but would that make them spiritual leaders? Yes, we all need to be reminded of truth about God, but what we ultimately need is truth that changes the heart. If we operate under the common interpretation that the man should be the woman's spiritual leader, what happens for couples where the woman is more theologically educated than the man?
- Saying that the man is responsible for the woman's spiritual well-being. She is still responsible for her own personal relationship with God. If the man is supposed to be the woman's "spiritual leader," then is a woman then not allowed to encourage her men in his relationship with God? Must she only be at best, a student who's less spiritually mature, or at worse, a hindrance to his faith? That's ridiculous. God-centered relationships need two people who love Jesus, who love and serve one another, and who and point each others' hearts back to Jesus.
Sisters, you are God's beautiful ezer kenegdos. You were meant to be a team with your significant other, not just to await orders. You have precious gifts to bring to the table of your relationship, and you have strengths that he needs, just as he has strengths you need. Before you turn down a prospective date because you're not sure "if he's a spiritual leader," will you first ask, "Can we sharpen one another 'as iron sharpens iron'?"
Brothers, you don't need to have it all together before you ask a woman on a date. You are also not responsible for making sure she gets it all together spiritually. As my boyfriend would like to remind you, you are not her teacher or her savior - Jesus is. Your job is to love Jesus and to give her room to pursue God within your relationship. Reading the Bible or a Christian book together might be one avenue that you guys choose to pursue God as a couple, but it's not the only way. Your personal relationship with Jesus is different from the next guy's, so why would your joint pursuit of Christ need to look like every other couple's?
So coming back to the original question - how does Jayson lead me spiritually? I don't know what exactly you mean by that, but I know do know this: He demonstrates the gospel to me, showing me that I am loved and accepted. He reminds me of God's truth and promises. He prays for me. He challenges me in my relationship with God. He shows me that I am worth sacrificing for -- and I do the same for him.
------------------------------------------
For further reading: "'He's Just Not a Spiritual Leader', and Other Christian Dating Myths," by Marlena Graves
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
SFSP Day 27 - Last Day!
Monday, July 8
Ok, I'm going to cheat and post multiple pictures for today haha. Today was a staff free day, so we got to do whatever we wanted. One contingency went to the North Face outlet in Oakland, but I opted to stay in the city, do a little shopping, and hang out with Margaret, who's one of the coolest people ever :)
So that's all folks...that was my summer in San Francisco!
Ok, I'm going to cheat and post multiple pictures for today haha. Today was a staff free day, so we got to do whatever we wanted. One contingency went to the North Face outlet in Oakland, but I opted to stay in the city, do a little shopping, and hang out with Margaret, who's one of the coolest people ever :)
View of the skyline from the top floor of a hotel downtown
The Indian restaurant where Margaret and I ate was DELICIOUS! Wish I had a picture of the food too :)
Margaret finally gets to do the one things she's been looking forward to all summer - riding the cable cars down Hyde Street.
So that's all folks...that was my summer in San Francisco!
SFSP Day 26 - Staff debrief step 2: Eat
Sunday, July 7
We spent a few hours talking about what went well this summer, what didn't, and what we would change for future summers. I have now staffed San Francisco Summer Project 3 times and it's been 3 different projects, begging the questions - what is the purpose of this project? What are we trying to accomplish here? How do we make it more continuous? As an engineer, I HIGHLY value efficiency, so I'm grateful we could talk about how to make things smoother for future summers.
And of course, what better way to celebrate a long day than to eat?
Trying to decide what we want. Everything looks so delicious!
We spent a few hours talking about what went well this summer, what didn't, and what we would change for future summers. I have now staffed San Francisco Summer Project 3 times and it's been 3 different projects, begging the questions - what is the purpose of this project? What are we trying to accomplish here? How do we make it more continuous? As an engineer, I HIGHLY value efficiency, so I'm grateful we could talk about how to make things smoother for future summers.
And of course, what better way to celebrate a long day than to eat?
SFSP Day 25 - Staff debrief step 1: Take a nap!
Saturday, July 6
After waiting for the students to leave for the day, the staff team headed over to another hostel for our 3-day debrief to evaluate the project, how our team worked, and to encourage and pray for one another. We've been pretty wiped though, so as soon as we got to our other hostel, most of us took a looooong nap.
Staff men taking a group nap
After waiting for the students to leave for the day, the staff team headed over to another hostel for our 3-day debrief to evaluate the project, how our team worked, and to encourage and pray for one another. We've been pretty wiped though, so as soon as we got to our other hostel, most of us took a looooong nap.
SFSP Day 24 - The last day with students
Friday, July 5
One of my highlights this summer as been my role of helping the project team see the city through a spiritual lens. Today I took them to the Balmy Street (an alleyway full of murals), and had them observe the paintings and think about what message the artist was trying to convey.
Last year, when I took the team here, we just walked through in about 5 minutes and then wandered through the Mission, not really thinking too much about what we'd seen. However, this time when I had them pay attention to the murals and reflect, I noticed a lot of details I had completely missed last year. There's so much more complexity than I realized, and there's a story underneath that only required attention to hear. How much more so for the city as a whole, and for the people we pass by in the city?
It's also our last day with students, so we had our staff farewell banquet tonight :) It's been fun - I'll especially miss working with my women's Bible study!
One of the murals on immigration on Balmy Street. The entire alleyway is covered in murals addressing concerns of the community, like gentrification and politics.
Last year, when I took the team here, we just walked through in about 5 minutes and then wandered through the Mission, not really thinking too much about what we'd seen. However, this time when I had them pay attention to the murals and reflect, I noticed a lot of details I had completely missed last year. There's so much more complexity than I realized, and there's a story underneath that only required attention to hear. How much more so for the city as a whole, and for the people we pass by in the city?
My women's Bible study (yeah Team C!)
It's also our last day with students, so we had our staff farewell banquet tonight :) It's been fun - I'll especially miss working with my women's Bible study!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
SFSP Day 23 - Happy Independence Day!
Thursday, July 4
After a training time in the morning (led by Wayne on discerning God's will), we had a team social hiking up to Bernal Heights. The walk from the bus stop goes through some seriously steep hills even before we got to the mountain itself! From the top, you can see a panoramic of the city - the Golden Gate Bridge to the northwest, downtown skyscrapers to the northeast, and houses laid out in (mostly) neat rows all throughout. Simply beautiful.
Tabby looking at the downtown skyline (not pictured) from Bernal Heights
After a training time in the morning (led by Wayne on discerning God's will), we had a team social hiking up to Bernal Heights. The walk from the bus stop goes through some seriously steep hills even before we got to the mountain itself! From the top, you can see a panoramic of the city - the Golden Gate Bridge to the northwest, downtown skyscrapers to the northeast, and houses laid out in (mostly) neat rows all throughout. Simply beautiful.
SFSP Day 22 - Who am I trying to kid?
Wednesday, July 3
After an exhausting 5.5 hour commute to and from Berkeley yesterday (thanks to the BART strike), Wayne and I decided not to put our students through that again and instead go somewhere within city limits to share our faith. After considering a few options, we decided on Fisherman's Wharf, one of the biggest tourist attractions in San Francisco. There would definitely be people our team could talk to.
We gave our team the freedom to do whatever they needed to do - go survey people on their spiritual beliefs, go hang out with God in personal prayer time, or whatever else they could think of.
To be honest, I was exhausted from yesterday's commute (and Monday was a long day for me too), and I was in no mood to talk to people about Jesus. But I felt torn - I'm on staff and I should be modeling evangelism for our students, even when we don't necessarily feel like it.
I finally decided to just grit my teeth and go look for people to talk to, so I tagged along with a pair of students and for the next hour, we wandered around the pier looking for people to talk to.
In my head, I would tell myself:
"He looks busy."
"She's on her phone."
"They look like they're in a really intense conversation."
And on and on...making one excuse after another not to talk to the myriads of people we passed.
Finally, I stepped back and asked myself, "Jess, what are you doing?"
I was trying to make an appearance of attempting evangelism. It was all a show, just to say, "Look, I walked around looking for people, but I couldn't find anyone to talk to. Oh well, at least I tried!"
But who was I trying to kid? God? Even if no one else knew my motives, God most certainly did! So why continue this charade? I finally pulled my aside the two students who were with me and I suggested that we take the 30 minutes before meeting up with the team to pray. When our team came together to debrief the day, I confessed my attitude and I think the students were relieved - "Staff feel like this too????"
Believe it or not, I don't always want to share the gospel either, and no, I haven't quite figured out this leadership thing yet. I still don't know how to read the team's energy. I don't always know when to scrap plans to give our team space to rest and when to push them even when they're tired. But I'm learning and I'm growing and hopefully I'll get better at leading in that tension.
Fisherman's wharf (courtesy of Kelly)
After an exhausting 5.5 hour commute to and from Berkeley yesterday (thanks to the BART strike), Wayne and I decided not to put our students through that again and instead go somewhere within city limits to share our faith. After considering a few options, we decided on Fisherman's Wharf, one of the biggest tourist attractions in San Francisco. There would definitely be people our team could talk to.
We gave our team the freedom to do whatever they needed to do - go survey people on their spiritual beliefs, go hang out with God in personal prayer time, or whatever else they could think of.
To be honest, I was exhausted from yesterday's commute (and Monday was a long day for me too), and I was in no mood to talk to people about Jesus. But I felt torn - I'm on staff and I should be modeling evangelism for our students, even when we don't necessarily feel like it.
I finally decided to just grit my teeth and go look for people to talk to, so I tagged along with a pair of students and for the next hour, we wandered around the pier looking for people to talk to.
In my head, I would tell myself:
"He looks busy."
"She's on her phone."
"They look like they're in a really intense conversation."
And on and on...making one excuse after another not to talk to the myriads of people we passed.
Finally, I stepped back and asked myself, "Jess, what are you doing?"
I was trying to make an appearance of attempting evangelism. It was all a show, just to say, "Look, I walked around looking for people, but I couldn't find anyone to talk to. Oh well, at least I tried!"
But who was I trying to kid? God? Even if no one else knew my motives, God most certainly did! So why continue this charade? I finally pulled my aside the two students who were with me and I suggested that we take the 30 minutes before meeting up with the team to pray. When our team came together to debrief the day, I confessed my attitude and I think the students were relieved - "Staff feel like this too????"
Believe it or not, I don't always want to share the gospel either, and no, I haven't quite figured out this leadership thing yet. I still don't know how to read the team's energy. I don't always know when to scrap plans to give our team space to rest and when to push them even when they're tired. But I'm learning and I'm growing and hopefully I'll get better at leading in that tension.
SFSP Day 21 - Longest commute EVER
Tuesday, July 2
The BART is still on strike, but we still wanted to go to campus (Berkeley) and survey people on their views on spiritual things. Usually, it takes us about 45-50 minutes to get to campus by BART, but with the strike, we took the Muni to the Ferry Building, took a ferry across the Bay to Oakland, then took a bus for another hour to campus.
It took us 2.5 hours to get there...and we were exhausted, but we had some incredible conversations on campus. John and I met a philosophy major from New Jersey, who grew up Catholic realized at the age of 12 that he didn't want to love God just because he was afraid of going to hell because that wouldn't be real love; that would be fear. He started asking a lot of questions and is looking for something out there but not entirely sure what.
Nearly everyone else on our team got into long, significant conversations with people they met on campus. I think God knew we needed some encouragement after our epic journey!
The commute home took even longer - 3 hours!! The ferries were packed, with unprecedented ridership due to the strike. Thankfully, we were going against traffic -- the ferry lines in the direction of traffic wrapped around the ferry building!
My team was heroic in trooping through a 5.5 hour commute, but I don't think we can do this again tomorrow - too expensive and too draining!
View of downtown SF from the ferry
The BART is still on strike, but we still wanted to go to campus (Berkeley) and survey people on their views on spiritual things. Usually, it takes us about 45-50 minutes to get to campus by BART, but with the strike, we took the Muni to the Ferry Building, took a ferry across the Bay to Oakland, then took a bus for another hour to campus.
It took us 2.5 hours to get there...and we were exhausted, but we had some incredible conversations on campus. John and I met a philosophy major from New Jersey, who grew up Catholic realized at the age of 12 that he didn't want to love God just because he was afraid of going to hell because that wouldn't be real love; that would be fear. He started asking a lot of questions and is looking for something out there but not entirely sure what.
Nearly everyone else on our team got into long, significant conversations with people they met on campus. I think God knew we needed some encouragement after our epic journey!
The commute home took even longer - 3 hours!! The ferries were packed, with unprecedented ridership due to the strike. Thankfully, we were going against traffic -- the ferry lines in the direction of traffic wrapped around the ferry building!
Team leaders (Wayne, me and Margaret) napping on the ferry back home
My team was heroic in trooping through a 5.5 hour commute, but I don't think we can do this again tomorrow - too expensive and too draining!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
SFSP Day 20 - BART goes on strike
Monday, July 1
The union workers of the Bay Area Rapid Transit (commuter rail) went on strike today demanding higher pay and better benefits. Nearly 400,000 riders use this 5th-busiest US transit system each day, so it'll be interesting to see how people will manage without it. Thankfully our team didn't need the BART today, but we will need it tomorrow to get to Berkeley...
Picketing union workers
The union workers of the Bay Area Rapid Transit (commuter rail) went on strike today demanding higher pay and better benefits. Nearly 400,000 riders use this 5th-busiest US transit system each day, so it'll be interesting to see how people will manage without it. Thankfully our team didn't need the BART today, but we will need it tomorrow to get to Berkeley...
SFSP Day 19 - Ohana Time
Sunday, June 30
Every Sunday, our entire project (all 43 of us) come together to eat dinner and spend time as a family (hence, ohana time). It's one of the few times we get to connect as as a big group, because during the rest of the week, we're divided into 3 ministry teams that are assigned to different campuses and churches.
This week for Ohana time, Daniel reminded us that even though we are three teams, we are one body that benefits by the gifts of each member of the body. After taking a spiritual gifts assessment, we split up into our ministry teams for "hotseat" - where each member of the team takes turns being in the "hotseat" and the rest of the team verbally appreciates and encourages them for 4-5 minutes.
I've never actually taken a spiritual gifts test before, but the results were affirmations of things I already guessed to be true of myself. My top three gifts ended up being teaching, evangelism, and encouragement, and it was really sweet to hear my team affirm that they have seen me do well in these areas :)
Chatting while waiting for dinner to arrive
Every Sunday, our entire project (all 43 of us) come together to eat dinner and spend time as a family (hence, ohana time). It's one of the few times we get to connect as as a big group, because during the rest of the week, we're divided into 3 ministry teams that are assigned to different campuses and churches.
This week for Ohana time, Daniel reminded us that even though we are three teams, we are one body that benefits by the gifts of each member of the body. After taking a spiritual gifts assessment, we split up into our ministry teams for "hotseat" - where each member of the team takes turns being in the "hotseat" and the rest of the team verbally appreciates and encourages them for 4-5 minutes.
I've never actually taken a spiritual gifts test before, but the results were affirmations of things I already guessed to be true of myself. My top three gifts ended up being teaching, evangelism, and encouragement, and it was really sweet to hear my team affirm that they have seen me do well in these areas :)
SFSP Day 18 - Japan Town!
Saturday, June 29
Today is our day off, and after taking a hip hop class and going grocery shopping for some delicious fruit, I went to Japan Town for the afternoon. Even though it's my third summer in SF, I've never gotten to explore this particular neighborhood.
In the Japan Center (mall), there was a store with photo booths with all sorts of cutesy decorating options. I was skeptical at first, but it ended up being pretty entertaining (especially since part of their internal photo editing process is making our eyes look way bigger :P).
Mary and Tabby with our photobooth pictures
Look how big our eyes are!
In the Japan Center (mall), there was a store with photo booths with all sorts of cutesy decorating options. I was skeptical at first, but it ended up being pretty entertaining (especially since part of their internal photo editing process is making our eyes look way bigger :P).
SFSP Day 17 - By the Bridge
Friday, June 28
You can't really see it in the fog, but I'm on the beach near Crissy Field by the Golden Gate Bridge. We had a team social here on the beach and it was nice to relax here. I learned how to do a backflip (courtesy of Jonathan Le's instruction and Gima's spotting), and a few of the guys got throw into the (freezing cold!) ocean.
Trying to keep my hair out of my face in the wind
Sunday, June 30, 2013
SFSP Day 16 - Sick :-(
Thursday, June 27
On Thursdays, my team volunteers with the Salvation Army Day Camp, but I've been coughing for a week and I wasn't sure if I should spend the day with a bunch of kids. When our team got there, it turned out that they only needed 10 out of 14 of us. I stayed for a bit to see if they needed any help, then opted to go home and take a nap to rest and to keep my germs to myself.
At first, I felt really odd going home early. I had close to perfect attendance throughout my K-12 years and almost never missed class in college, even when I was sick (I coughed my way through a final exam once, much to the annoyance of my classmates). In essence, I just don't know how to take a sick day, so I was a bit unsure of what to do with myself after I woke up from my nap, since it was still several hours before I had expected to be back at the hostel.
I ended up prepping for my training/activity I'm leading tomorrow and then chilling in my room, not doing anything in particular. I'm glad that I did take a sick day, and I'm I'm glad that I'm learning to slow down and take things easy when I'm not feeling well.
My new best friend - Nyquil
On Thursdays, my team volunteers with the Salvation Army Day Camp, but I've been coughing for a week and I wasn't sure if I should spend the day with a bunch of kids. When our team got there, it turned out that they only needed 10 out of 14 of us. I stayed for a bit to see if they needed any help, then opted to go home and take a nap to rest and to keep my germs to myself.
At first, I felt really odd going home early. I had close to perfect attendance throughout my K-12 years and almost never missed class in college, even when I was sick (I coughed my way through a final exam once, much to the annoyance of my classmates). In essence, I just don't know how to take a sick day, so I was a bit unsure of what to do with myself after I woke up from my nap, since it was still several hours before I had expected to be back at the hostel.
I ended up prepping for my training/activity I'm leading tomorrow and then chilling in my room, not doing anything in particular. I'm glad that I did take a sick day, and I'm I'm glad that I'm learning to slow down and take things easy when I'm not feeling well.
SFSP Day 15 - A Gift from Peaches
Wednesday, June 26
Today we had another day of outreach at Cal, asking people for their stories and their spiritual backgrounds. Stephen and I met Peaches, a 26-year-old homeless woman from south Georgia who was diagnosed 3 years ago with terminal brain cancer. She figured, "Well, I'm going to die -- I might as well make the most out of life while I can."
And she has! She's hitchhiked over 27,000 miles from south Georgia up to NYC, across to Seattle, down to southern California, and all the way back to Florida. Even more precious though, was getting to hear her share about how her relationship with God has deepened as a result of living with cancer. I'm amazed and encouraged by her faith and her trust in his goodness, his provision, and his timing in the midst of suffering, and I hope that others will be encouraged by her story too.
Flowers from Peaches
Today we had another day of outreach at Cal, asking people for their stories and their spiritual backgrounds. Stephen and I met Peaches, a 26-year-old homeless woman from south Georgia who was diagnosed 3 years ago with terminal brain cancer. She figured, "Well, I'm going to die -- I might as well make the most out of life while I can."
And she has! She's hitchhiked over 27,000 miles from south Georgia up to NYC, across to Seattle, down to southern California, and all the way back to Florida. Even more precious though, was getting to hear her share about how her relationship with God has deepened as a result of living with cancer. I'm amazed and encouraged by her faith and her trust in his goodness, his provision, and his timing in the midst of suffering, and I hope that others will be encouraged by her story too.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
SFSP Day 14 - Guiding steps toward adulthood
Tuesday, June 25
Kelly, with her "island flava"
One of my favorite parts of project is getting to mentor young women on the team. Every summer, I get to walk with them through the myriad of emotions and things that God reveals to them, whether about themselves or about relating to others. It's such a joy to come alongside them in their journeys!
Sometimes, these nudges toward adulthood come in small steps. Tonight, it was helping my freshman Kelly figure out a bedtime. She's super outgoing and loves to be around people....at the cost of her sleep. I empathized with her fear of missing out (or FOMO, as we call it here on project) and told her it was great that she wanted to get to know people, but it was also important to take care of herself.
With a few questions, we set up some guidelines for herself - nights when she has to work on her online class homework, a time to be back in her room, and a time to go to bed. She's learning and growing, and I'm glad I get to watch this portion of her process.
Sometimes, these nudges toward adulthood come in small steps. Tonight, it was helping my freshman Kelly figure out a bedtime. She's super outgoing and loves to be around people....at the cost of her sleep. I empathized with her fear of missing out (or FOMO, as we call it here on project) and told her it was great that she wanted to get to know people, but it was also important to take care of herself.
With a few questions, we set up some guidelines for herself - nights when she has to work on her online class homework, a time to be back in her room, and a time to go to bed. She's learning and growing, and I'm glad I get to watch this portion of her process.
SFSP Day 13 - Flying...again
Monday, June 24
I forgot to take a picture today, but today I celebrated Stacy (fellow bridesmaid)'s birthday and then headed to the airport with my boyfriend - me back to summer project, and him back home to Portland. My flight was delayed for 3 hours because the fog was leading to poor visibility at SFO. However, the fog delay turned out to be a blessing in disguise, allowing me and Jayson to spend extra time together at the airport :)
I forgot to take a picture today, but today I celebrated Stacy (fellow bridesmaid)'s birthday and then headed to the airport with my boyfriend - me back to summer project, and him back home to Portland. My flight was delayed for 3 hours because the fog was leading to poor visibility at SFO. However, the fog delay turned out to be a blessing in disguise, allowing me and Jayson to spend extra time together at the airport :)
SFSP Day 12 - Eunice's wedding!
Sunday, June 23
So I don't actually know what happened on project, but today, I got to stand with my friends Eunice and Clarence on their wedding day :) It was such a beautiful wedding and a fun time of celebrating!
Before the ceremony
So I don't actually know what happened on project, but today, I got to stand with my friends Eunice and Clarence on their wedding day :) It was such a beautiful wedding and a fun time of celebrating!
SFSP Day 11 - A weekend trip
Saturday, June 22
I left SF for the weekend to be a bridesmaid for my friend Eunice....all the way in DC. I was excited to celebrate with her, but not too wild about the cross-country flying. Thankfully, that was pretty smooth. And the cherry on top of the cake? I got to see my long-distance boyfriend (who's one of the groomsman) for the first time in months!
At the WWII Memorial after the rehearsal dinner
I left SF for the weekend to be a bridesmaid for my friend Eunice....all the way in DC. I was excited to celebrate with her, but not too wild about the cross-country flying. Thankfully, that was pretty smooth. And the cherry on top of the cake? I got to see my long-distance boyfriend (who's one of the groomsman) for the first time in months!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
SFSP Day 10 - June 21
Project Social
We had a pretty emotionally intense training time that morning, so it was a relief to have a relaxed project social in Dolores Park with some games and just time to chat. Thanks to Gima's tutelage, I learned the basics of skateboarding! I can now get on, get off, and pedal a skateboard. I can also turn in theory...but that's yet to happen in practice :)
We had a pretty emotionally intense training time that morning, so it was a relief to have a relaxed project social in Dolores Park with some games and just time to chat. Thanks to Gima's tutelage, I learned the basics of skateboarding! I can now get on, get off, and pedal a skateboard. I can also turn in theory...but that's yet to happen in practice :)
SFSP Day 9 - June 20
First Day at the Salvation Army
We're volunteering with a Salvation Army kid's day camp once a week. The kids rotate through 4 different classes (Math, English, Arts & Crafts, and Music/Dance worship), and I got to help with the Dance Worship class today.
I had so much fun learning the choreography and doing it with the kids. Some of them are rowdy and demand a lot of attention by making trouble, but others are shy little sweethearts that opened up with some coaxing.
We're volunteering with a Salvation Army kid's day camp once a week. The kids rotate through 4 different classes (Math, English, Arts & Crafts, and Music/Dance worship), and I got to help with the Dance Worship class today.
I had so much fun learning the choreography and doing it with the kids. Some of them are rowdy and demand a lot of attention by making trouble, but others are shy little sweethearts that opened up with some coaxing.
SFSP Day 8 - June 19
First Bible study
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We had dinner together at Brenda's, this cute little French soul food/Cajun place near Civic Center! The crawfish beignets looked amazing. I'll definitely come back here!
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We had dinner together at Brenda's, this cute little French soul food/Cajun place near Civic Center! The crawfish beignets looked amazing. I'll definitely come back here!
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
SFSP Day 7 - June 18
Faith steps
At dinner tonight, we were talking about foods we like and dislike. When it was Grace's turn, she said, "I don't like mushrooms or raw tomatoes." As soon as those words left her mouth, her soup arrived...topped with tons of mushrooms and tomatoes (I guess she didn't read the description of the dish too closely?). She was brave though, and ate all of her soup - icky vegetables and all.
At dinner tonight, we were talking about foods we like and dislike. When it was Grace's turn, she said, "I don't like mushrooms or raw tomatoes." As soon as those words left her mouth, her soup arrived...topped with tons of mushrooms and tomatoes (I guess she didn't read the description of the dish too closely?). She was brave though, and ate all of her soup - icky vegetables and all.
SFSP Day 6 - June 17
Getting oriented
Steve, former Epic staff who lives in the city, took us on a tour through Chinatown, exploring its history and how the gospel speaks into themes that are prevalent in the Asian story - hiding part of your identity for survival (e.g, paper sons and exoticizing Chinatown into a tourist attraction to keep it from being torn down), suffering, and shame.
SFSP Day 5 - June 16
The students arrived today!
Some of the responses:
- porcelain dolls
- spiders
- sleeping on the bottom bunk of a bunk bed (for fear the person on top will fall on top of you)
- getting sliced in half upon entering or exiting an elevator
- discovering someone behind a closed shower curtain
- falling and/or dropping one's phone/keys through a storm drain or steam vent
Any of them resonate with you?
Sunday, June 16, 2013
SFSP 2013 Day 4 - June 15
1 day before students arrive & our designated day of rest
I've been craving fruit, so I went to the farmer's market at the Ferry Building with Tabby in search for some peaches and strawberries, which I remember being quite impressed with from last summer. The entire back plaza behind the Ferry Building is filled with tents of farmers selling their produce and inviting people to sample their goods.
I randomly sampled a Gold Dust peach from Frog Hollow Farms and IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING PEACH I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE. They're insanely expensive, but I bought some anyway. It turns out that this is the same peach farm that my Bible study leader in NYC was raving about when he and his wife were here last year!
I've been craving fruit, so I went to the farmer's market at the Ferry Building with Tabby in search for some peaches and strawberries, which I remember being quite impressed with from last summer. The entire back plaza behind the Ferry Building is filled with tents of farmers selling their produce and inviting people to sample their goods.
I randomly sampled a Gold Dust peach from Frog Hollow Farms and IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING PEACH I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE. They're insanely expensive, but I bought some anyway. It turns out that this is the same peach farm that my Bible study leader in NYC was raving about when he and his wife were here last year!
SFSP 2013 Day 3 - June 14
2 days before students arrive....
Folders for discipleship with student women
Today I found out which 3 women on the project I'll be mentoring/discipling for the summer. Margaret (our project director who's overseeing women's development) gave us these super cute file folders so that we could take notes or tuck in resources for our students.
SFSP 2013 Day 2 - June 13
Home-cooked staff team dinner, courtesy of Jonathan (left) and Daniel (center)
We're staying in a hostel with a kitchen (hooray!!). After a long day of staff meetings, Jonathan and Daniel made us a dinner consisting of several different culinary traditions- the classic Chinese tomato and egg dish, a chicken dish from Hawaii, and oven-roasted brussel sprouts.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Condemned No More - big lessons from a small mishap
I've always considered myself a very responsible person. Other people tell me that, and when I took the Strengths Finder assessment, Responsibility ended up being one of my top 5 strengths. However, it seems that through the month of January, God wanted me to stop using "RESPONSIBLE" as the primary identifier for my life and instead, start using "SAVED BY GRACE."
I had gone to Texas on vacation to stay at a lakehouse that belonged to a friend of a friend. The family who owned it was incredibly sweet and hospitable - they picked me up from the airport, drove me to the lakehouse 2 hours away, stayed with me the first night, then offered to let me stay there by myself for the rest of the week -- even leaving me a car to use!
They left early the next morning, and as lunch time approached, I realized I needed to go grocery shopping. I got in the car, as I backed out of the garage, I hit the corner of the wooden retaining wall on the lawn and scratched the car up pretty noticeably. >.<
Shaken, I continued to the grocery store, and noticed on the drive back that something felt weird, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Hours later, when I went outside to take out the garbage, I noticed that I had knocked over a post...which had exposed some nails....which punctured my back tire, which was now hopelessly flat.
I was MORTIFIED. I was freaking out, mentally scolding myself, "HOW COULD YOU BE SO IRRESPONSIBLE??? They haven't even been gone for 24 hours yet and you've already broken something! They didn't even know you! They trusted you on a recommendation! You should probably go home right now because I wouldn't let me stay here!"
Trembling, I finally mustered up the courage to call the family. When the husband picked up, he asked, "Is something wrong?"
"I'm afraid so" (eeeeeek!)
"What happened?"
(I told him)
"Ok, so the tire's flat and the bumper's scratched up. Are you safe?"
"Oh. Yeah, I'm fine." (Wait....I'm more important than the car???)
"Good, that's most important. We knew that if anything happened to the car, you'd be safe." (Wait, you're not sending me home? You're not assessing my entire character on one incident?)
A bit reassured, I started sharing a bit of my internal lecture about being irresponsible. His answer has stuck with me to this day and radically changed a whole paradigm of thinking: "You weren't irresponsible. It was an accident. Accidents happen."
I wasn't irresponsible. What a HUGE contrast between what he was telling me and what I was telling myself! Here I was, flipping out, and to him, it really wasn't that big of a deal. He even offered to come out the next morning to change the tire - even though he had just driven home 2 hours away that day! (He ended up not needing to because they had AAA)
Over the next 4 days, I pretty much sat and stared out over the lake trying to wrap my mind around this grace he had shown me. I had felt so safe with him that I felt like even if I had taken the car the next day, totaled it, I could have called the family back without being afraid of getting kicked out of the house.
As I reflected on that security I felt with that family, I realized...this is the safety and freedom I'm supposed to feel with God because I have accepted Christ's trade: He died and took God's wrath for my sin upon himself, and I asked him to take over my life, and got off scot-free with his blameless life that warranted no divine punishment.
Romans 8:1 tells us, "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." I know it's true because it's scripture, but that is definitely not true of my experience with God. I live (and have lived) in constant condemnation. And then I realized....I live in condemnation not because God condemns me but because I heap it on myself...
...just like Dobby the house-elf from Harry Potter. Take a look:
It's not entirely clear in this clip why Dobby has to punish himself, but the book explains a bit:
"It is for freedom that Christ has set you free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (Galatians 5:1).
Oh, for the day when my dense little heart finally understands what my head acknowledges!
Are you living in that freedom? If not, what keeps you?
I had gone to Texas on vacation to stay at a lakehouse that belonged to a friend of a friend. The family who owned it was incredibly sweet and hospitable - they picked me up from the airport, drove me to the lakehouse 2 hours away, stayed with me the first night, then offered to let me stay there by myself for the rest of the week -- even leaving me a car to use!
They left early the next morning, and as lunch time approached, I realized I needed to go grocery shopping. I got in the car, as I backed out of the garage, I hit the corner of the wooden retaining wall on the lawn and scratched the car up pretty noticeably. >.<
Shaken, I continued to the grocery store, and noticed on the drive back that something felt weird, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Hours later, when I went outside to take out the garbage, I noticed that I had knocked over a post...which had exposed some nails....which punctured my back tire, which was now hopelessly flat.
I was MORTIFIED. I was freaking out, mentally scolding myself, "HOW COULD YOU BE SO IRRESPONSIBLE??? They haven't even been gone for 24 hours yet and you've already broken something! They didn't even know you! They trusted you on a recommendation! You should probably go home right now because I wouldn't let me stay here!"
Trembling, I finally mustered up the courage to call the family. When the husband picked up, he asked, "Is something wrong?"
"I'm afraid so" (eeeeeek!)
"What happened?"
(I told him)
"Ok, so the tire's flat and the bumper's scratched up. Are you safe?"
"Oh. Yeah, I'm fine." (Wait....I'm more important than the car???)
"Good, that's most important. We knew that if anything happened to the car, you'd be safe." (Wait, you're not sending me home? You're not assessing my entire character on one incident?)
A bit reassured, I started sharing a bit of my internal lecture about being irresponsible. His answer has stuck with me to this day and radically changed a whole paradigm of thinking: "You weren't irresponsible. It was an accident. Accidents happen."
I wasn't irresponsible. What a HUGE contrast between what he was telling me and what I was telling myself! Here I was, flipping out, and to him, it really wasn't that big of a deal. He even offered to come out the next morning to change the tire - even though he had just driven home 2 hours away that day! (He ended up not needing to because they had AAA)
Over the next 4 days, I pretty much sat and stared out over the lake trying to wrap my mind around this grace he had shown me. I had felt so safe with him that I felt like even if I had taken the car the next day, totaled it, I could have called the family back without being afraid of getting kicked out of the house.
As I reflected on that security I felt with that family, I realized...this is the safety and freedom I'm supposed to feel with God because I have accepted Christ's trade: He died and took God's wrath for my sin upon himself, and I asked him to take over my life, and got off scot-free with his blameless life that warranted no divine punishment.
Romans 8:1 tells us, "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." I know it's true because it's scripture, but that is definitely not true of my experience with God. I live (and have lived) in constant condemnation. And then I realized....I live in condemnation not because God condemns me but because I heap it on myself...
...just like Dobby the house-elf from Harry Potter. Take a look:
It's not entirely clear in this clip why Dobby has to punish himself, but the book explains a bit:
"Dobby will have to punish himself most grievously for coming to see you, sir. Dobby will have to shut his ears in the oven door for this. Dobby is always having to punish himself for something, sir. They lets Dobby get on with it, sir. Sometimes they reminds me to do extra punishments ... "Like what I wrote in my last post (It's already been paid for), my sin has already been punished and paid for. I no longer have to bang my head against the wall when I forget to invite my students to an event, or "iron my fingers" because I didn't tell anyone about Jesus that week. I'm free, and I understand that on an intellectual level, but somehow, I find myself living like an enslaved house elf looking for things to punish myself for.
"But why don't you leave? Escape?"
"A house-elf must be set free, sir. And the family will never set Dobby free ... Dobby will serve the family until he dies, sir ... " (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)
"It is for freedom that Christ has set you free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (Galatians 5:1).
Oh, for the day when my dense little heart finally understands what my head acknowledges!
Are you living in that freedom? If not, what keeps you?
Thursday, January 3, 2013
It's already been paid for
For my birthday a few weeks ago, my sweet boyfriend Jayson bought me tickets to see the Alvin Ailey dance company perform. I'd been wanting to see them for ages, having heard AMAZING things about their company, and I was super excited to go!
Except here's the thing - we're still long-distance. Since he couldn't take me himself, he bought me a pair of tickets so that I could enjoy the show with a friend. I invited a series of girlfriends, who successively canceled due to unexpected circumstances. I found out about the last cancellation minutes before the show started (she texted me the day before, but I never received it).
By that point, it was tool late to invite anyone else, so I headed to my seat, resigned to the fact that I would be seeing the show by myself. I started feeling incredibly guilty, then panicking, then tearing up. I could have confirmed the day before. I could have invited my roommate. I could have tried to talk one of my original guests out of canceling. I could have, I should have....any number of things. But I didn't, and now I was wasting my boyfriend's money.
And then it dawned on me - my fretting and self-induced guilt-tripping had ZERO effect on Jayson. He had no idea that any of this was going through my head (because last he heard, I was going to see it with a friend). I wasn't wasting his money - he had already paid for my tickets (which cost more than I would've spent on myself), because he considered me worth spending the money for. I could either cry through the rest of the show or I could stop sniffling, sit back, and enjoy it.
As I thought about the situation, I realized that this is exactly what grace is -- a gift that's already been paid for. I can choose to reject it outright, or I can accept it and fret about how I could've done something differently, or I can accept it an enjoy it for what it is.
Yet so often, I find myself fretting about how I didn't spend enough time on campus or how late my newsletter is, or how unprepared I was for a particular meeting. Fearing that somehow, because of all these things I did (or didn't do), I don't actually deserve the gift of eternal life that Christ gave me. Never mind that the price - his sinless blood on a cross - has already been paid, and there's nothing I can do about it ex post facto!
I know these things in my head, but I still don't seem to understand them...I suspect that I will grapple with this mind-bogglingly beautiful thing called grace for the rest of my life. May you also grow in your wonder of this five-letter word.
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