I suppose this is the part of the journey where I learn what grief is and what it's like to experience that. I don't pretend to be an expert; nor do I claim that what I'm experiencing is how everyone else experiences grief. I simply wanted to let you in on what the last week has been like and what I've observed so far:
- Grief is like an emotional minefield. Some days, I feel fine until someone says a trigger word or asks the right question and then I get slammed with emotions.
- Grief messes with me in a bunch of little ways. Mostly, I find myself in an apathetic haze where I don't want to do anything. There are days when I wake up and can't remember the last time I showered, or I make dinner (a dish I've made a zillion times) and forget to add a key ingredient.
- The physical presence of my friends has been a lot more meaningful to me than anything they've said. There was a day when I needed to be with people, but didn't want to talk. I didn't have the emotional energy to interact or to hold a conversation, but I couldn't bear the thought of being alone. I asked some friends if I could sit on their couch and watch TV/read and told them that they didn't need to host/entertain me - just let me be in the same room with them. They happily obliged, and I'm so grateful for their hospitality.
- It is really hard for me to pray right now, but I know that if I'm not leaning on God, I have nothing else to turn to. Last week, when I got the news, I was taking a seminary class, and our professor showed us Psalm 81:10 "I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it." All I can muster right now as far as prayer goes is, "God, I am here. I am opening my mouth wide, and I need you to fill it."
Have you ever experienced grief? If so, what was it like for you?
