Disclaimer: The content of this entry is entirely my own opinion and does not represent the views of Epic/Cru.
I work with college students, and when I talk to my female students, relationships always come up. Invariably, when they ask me about mine, some young women will immediately ask, "So how does your boyfriend lead you spiritually?"
Confession: whenever I hear the term "leading spiritually" or "spiritual leader" used in this context, I get pretty annoyed (not at my students - I love it when they ask questions). What on earth does "leading spiritually" mean anyway? How did it get to become so prevalent in Christian dating culture? And where in the Bible does it say that a boyfriend needs to be one? (Seriously, if you have an answer to the Bible reference part, please do list it in the comments - I want to know!)
I don't pretend to be the expert here or to have all the answers, but with my 2.5-year relationship experience, the wisdom of married Christian friends, and my walk with the Holy Spirit, here are some conclusions that I've arrived at:
"Spiritual leadership" is NOT
- Unique to romantic relationships. If you disciple men/women, then you lead them spiritually, yes? Or if you talk to nonreligious friends about spiritual things, isn't that also guiding them in spiritual things? If so, then why does it become such a huge deal in a romantic relationship? And if women discipling women is a form of spiritual leadership, then how did it get to be defined as something only men do in a relationship?
- Listed in the Ephesians 5 passage about how wives and husbands should interact (well, not in those exact words anyway). Actually, I don't know that the phrase "spiritual leadership" appears in the Bible. I'm not saying that the concept isn't biblical, I'm just saying that the terminology isn't. So if the phrase isn't explicitly defined in the Bible, where is it being defined?
- Equivalent to (as it is commonly interpreted) "The boyfriend/husband leads the girlfriend/wife in a Bible study." I am all for couples reading the Bible together, but if this is the definition of spiritual leadership, then it is far too narrow. What happens in places where Bibles are illegal? Or not produced in the couple's language? Or where the couple is illiterate? What did the first 1600 years of Christian couples do before the printing press made the Bible widely available?
- About the head or about transferring knowledge. There are people who hold seminary degrees who aren't practicing Christians. They can be experts in doctrine, but would that make them spiritual leaders? Yes, we all need to be reminded of truth about God, but what we ultimately need is truth that changes the heart. If we operate under the common interpretation that the man should be the woman's spiritual leader, what happens for couples where the woman is more theologically educated than the man?
- Saying that the man is responsible for the woman's spiritual well-being. She is still responsible for her own personal relationship with God. If the man is supposed to be the woman's "spiritual leader," then is a woman then not allowed to encourage her men in his relationship with God? Must she only be at best, a student who's less spiritually mature, or at worse, a hindrance to his faith? That's ridiculous. God-centered relationships need two people who love Jesus, who love and serve one another, and who and point each others' hearts back to Jesus.
Sisters, you are God's beautiful ezer kenegdos. You were meant to be a team with your significant other, not just to await orders. You have precious gifts to bring to the table of your relationship, and you have strengths that he needs, just as he has strengths you need. Before you turn down a prospective date because you're not sure "if he's a spiritual leader," will you first ask, "Can we sharpen one another 'as iron sharpens iron'?"
Brothers, you don't need to have it all together before you ask a woman on a date. You are also not responsible for making sure she gets it all together spiritually. As my boyfriend would like to remind you, you are not her teacher or her savior - Jesus is. Your job is to love Jesus and to give her room to pursue God within your relationship. Reading the Bible or a Christian book together might be one avenue that you guys choose to pursue God as a couple, but it's not the only way. Your personal relationship with Jesus is different from the next guy's, so why would your joint pursuit of Christ need to look like every other couple's?
So coming back to the original question - how does Jayson lead me spiritually? I don't know what exactly you mean by that, but I know do know this: He demonstrates the gospel to me, showing me that I am loved and accepted. He reminds me of God's truth and promises. He prays for me. He challenges me in my relationship with God. He shows me that I am worth sacrificing for -- and I do the same for him.
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For further reading: "'He's Just Not a Spiritual Leader', and Other Christian Dating Myths," by Marlena Graves
It's late at night... but hope this makes sense!
ReplyDeleteI do agree with you that the Bible does not discuss dating; as dating really did not become a part of culture until the approximate period in history when the automobile became common in society. However, if we do desire to date with the intent of marriage, we ought to draw on the principles stated in the Bible regarding marriage. I do not believe that these principles necessarily ought to be applied during dating (i.e. submission—a topic to be expounded); rather having the potentiality if one is looking towards marriage.
While I think it is important that a person desires a spiritually inclined relationship when it comes to marriage, I think of instead of asking “how does he spiritually lead,” she ought to be asking “Does he exhibit qualities that give indications to believing that he will be a godly husband?” That question goes both ways for men and women. Qualities of a godly man/husband or woman/wife are sprinkled throughout scripture. That being so, in terms of spirituality there has to be a certain expectation that one has for their future spouse when dating.
Personally, one of my key standards that I use is proverbs 31. I don’t expect her to mirror it, but she ought to be striving to be it (Same concept as us striving to be like Christ). While there isn’t quite as neatly package passage for qualities of a husband, they are scattered throughout scripture—where a woman should have a similar expectation that the man is striving to be that godly husband. Lastly, if that is the expectation that one has for their future spouse, that individual must continuously ask him or herself… “Am I living a life worthy of such a person?”
Hey Nam,
DeleteThanks for your thoughts! I agree, both parties should be asking, "Does his/her character demonstrate godliness now and a trajectory of increasing Christ-likeness?" Sometimes I think it's easy to overlook traits like humility, meekness, and tenderness because our culture doesn't consider them "leader" traits (eg, assertiveness), but they are very much needed in a relationship.
Hi Jessica,
ReplyDeleteJust read your blog and it is a very important discussion point.
Suffice it to say that God's ordained role for a male is to be the spiritual leader within a relationship/family. To subvert the male's headship is both detrimental to the family as well as to the female's spiritual health. A young Christian women ought to be seeking a male who is both spiritually mature and willing/able to lead her spiritually.
This is nonetheless a very crucial issue that a blog comment really does no justice to. Hence, here's a great site for further insights:
http://cbmw.org/
Blessings,
Pastor Stephen
Hi Pastor Stephen,
DeleteThanks for reading and for your comment. I sense that you're concerned about disrespecting or trying to do away with the husband's role as "the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body" (Eph 5:23). I don't disagree with you, and I fully support what God calls for each party in the marriage.
I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean by when you say "to subvert the male's headship is...detrimental to...the female's spiritual health." Can you please elaborate on what that looks like? I wholeheartedly agree that a young Christian woman should seek a spiritually mature male who is willing to lead -- that's what I want in my future husband too!
The point I was trying to make was that the husband's spiritual leadership does not absolve her of her responsibility for her own relationship with God. It is dangerous for a woman's spiritual health if, for example, she stops reading her Bible by herself because she expects her boyfriend or husband to lead her through a Bible study. Her relationship with God cannot be wholly dependent on her significant other; both of them individually must be walking with the Lord.
Thanks,
Jessica
Jessica, if that's what you meant, then I give a hearty "AMEN!"
ReplyDelete=)
I was just a little thrown off when you wrote things like:
"So coming back to the original question - how does Jayson lead me spiritually? I don't know what exactly you mean by that, but I know do know this: He demonstrates the gospel to me, showing me that I am loved and accepted. He reminds me of God's truth and promises. He prays for me. He challenges me in my relationship with God. He shows me that I am worth sacrificing for -- and I do the same for him."
I guess what threw me off was the "...and I do the same for him" ending in your statement. I just got the sense that your piece ended with a "there's nothing that he does for me that I can't do for him" attitude.
There may indeed be many things that you both mutually do for each other, but spiritual leadership is a unique role to the husband (and also to the boyfriend by extrapolation). The woman's role is a complementary role. Hence, in many areas of your relationship, his calling as a leader will mandate that there be no "as I do the same for him" reciprocation. In many areas, he is called "to do for you" but you are not called "to do for him." The Bible calls for the man to be the spiritual leader of the home and hence, there are many things that he ought to be doing that a woman simply is not called to do. In fact, sometimes, a woman is simply commanded NOT to do it at all!
As to the practical nature of what that looks like, I would definitely invite you to come to our church's women's group. They are currently tackling this issues amongst themselves. It is definitely worth the investigation.
I would definitely love to continue this conversation in person.
Blessings,
Pastor Stephen
Hey Pastor Stephen,
DeleteThanks for your note. I can see how my last comment was confusing, but I do want to clarify again that I am not disagreeing with Scripture; I'm pushing back against our modern Christian dating culture's INTERPRETATION of the Ephesians 5 passage. I think it's difficult to continue this conversation without defining terms -- what is it that you mean by "spiritual leader"?
As you can see from the title of my site and from the post itself, Jayson and I are still relatively new to this relationship thing and how it works (compared to married couples). We keep hearing that he's supposed to lead me spiritually, and I do want to respect that, but it's all been quite mysterious. So far, we haven't really figured out what it is that he's supposed to do that I'm not, and this post has just been a reflection of the process of elimination. We've figured out that him leading me spiritually doesn't preclude me from praying for him or reflecting God's character to him (hence my last paragraph). Beyond that, we don't really know what spiritual leadership is/is supposed to be. You might notice that I never arrived at a positive definition for "spiritual leadership;" I've only managed to define what it is not, which only gets you so far.
I would love to hear how you have experienced or observed spiritual leadership in marriage. I look forward to talking more when I visit.
All the best,
Jessica
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ReplyDeleteIn non-dating situations, I have seen and heard leaders in the church say that they learn and grow and are humbled by those they lead. I could apply that to a marriage / dating situation too, where both individuals are called to spur each other on and challenge each other to grow in faith.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what a woman would be called not to do for her husband, related to Pastor Stephen's post above.
But I liked your post a lot Jess, in terms of a something to think about. Especially taking responsibility for your own growth, and looking to help others.